Week 69, End of Week: After a Briefer Break

Silvia flinched at Hugo's words, dropping the last chunk of her nutribar and watching it bounce onto the floor. "I...er...I just..." she tried, blushing once again and unable to look at him. "I was...lashing out," she managed eventually. "You...you hurt me...but I know you didn't mean to and it was all my fault...but you did and I... got upset and I...wanted to try and hurt you back." She sounded genuinely remorseful and was staring at her feet by now. "It...it was stupid, I know, but I...I wasn't thinking...wasn't thinking clearly."

Hugo took that in quietly, finishing his meat flavored drink. He just sort of nodded after she finished talking. He went back to looking thoughtful, and slowly tapped to order one more plate of food.

Slowly, carefully, Silvia bent down to retrieve the dropped bit of nutribar. "I...I'm sorry," she said, quietly, and then put the nutribar into her mouth and continued eating, gaze averted from Hugo.

He shook his head, and took a heaping bowl of ice cream into his hands. It was pink with black bits in it. He took a spoonful of ice cream. "Sorry for what?"

Silvia turned to look at Hugo with a look of utter confusion and swallowed. "For...for the whole...argument thing. You know, where we...uh...kind of...things went a bit...when we fought. And...shouted. And I said those...and was...you know. And you were...I hurt you. So...I'm sorry."

At that, Hugo actually nodded, and seemed to pay more attention to the conversation. He wasn't.. angry though, still a bit washed out. "..You did hurt me. A lot. And.. I'm sorry for hurting you. I.. never wanted to." He looked down at his ice cream, moving his large spoon through the melting scoops. "People don't hurt me. I mean, not, not inside. Not emotionally. Not.. normally. It.. it's rare."

At that, Silvia just looked down again, misery written plainly on her face. "I...I'm sorry," she said again, mumbling slightly. "I didn't want to either. Not...not really. I was just...angry and scared and you were...there and you were angry and you were hurting me."

Hugo nodded, a little vaguely. He seemed more or less satisfied with this answer. He took another spoonful of ice cream. He was focused on his food, or at least, focused on not looking at her. "And you watched it? The.. video of that night?"

Silvia nodded, hurriedly. "Yes! Yes, I...I did. All I...all I had left to watch." She sounded...apprehensive, unsure how Hugo would react and hoping she was saying the right things. "I...I...I'm sorry I didn't see it earlier. It would...I can see why it...why there were problems."

"Yeah. Good. Good." He didn't seem upset, and he gave her a sort of wary look. He took another spoonful of ice cream. He gave her another look to see if she had anything to add. He looked back down at his ice cream. "I thought you watched it... I normally talk after sex." It seemed to take him some effort to offer additional information.

"I...didn't really think about that," Silvia said, carefully. "I just...I was watching it to...to try and get an idea of what...what I...what we had done. I wasn't...wasn't expecting a...a talk. So I'm...I'm sorry. Again." She still wasn't looking at Hugo, her gaze fixed on a point on the wall.

"You don't need to keep apologizing. I.. know you're sorry." He sounded gentle, understanding, though still much cooler and distant than normal. He was finishing his ice cream, and slowing slightly as he got to the bottom. Talking seemed difficult for him, words slow. "..What else did you say, when I woke up?"

"Er, well, I...I kind of...gushed at you," Silvia said, reddening once again. "And said I...I didn't mean to hurt you, and I was lashing out, and...maybe I didn't realise quite how much you cared and you could go and have sex with other people if you wanted and I'd try not to...to be resentful." She halted, still obviously embarrassed. "I...I kind of practised it. For a while. But I...I think I garbled it."

Hugo smiled a little more at that, expression softening. "It was a bit much to take after.. falling out of bed." He seemed a little more.. gentle, affectionate, after she spoke. He shook his head. "But I.. I don't know if.. if that's right. You were terrible when you heard I slept with someone.. before we were even dating, someone that I was interested in sleeping with again. I was with you every day since Jerusalem, when I wasn't on a mission in the WF. If you're not terrible, you'll just.. feel terrible. I don't want to make you feel terrible even if it's.. kind of dumb." He raised his eyebrow at her then, and his affection tones stiffened. "But.. 'maybe you didn't realize'? You said that you felt like I didn't care. Because I slept with Alessandro." His lips twisted, and his hand tightened around the spoon. He was still deeply wounded, even thinking about it. Even his shoulders moved up defensively.

Silvia flinched slightly as it became obvious just how much Hugo was hurting - she didn't want to hurt him. Really, she never had done. But...there were some things that there was no escaping.

"I...I was terrible," she said, slowly, looking away once again. "And I'm sorry, I really am. But...and I know this is kind of bad...it did feel like that. That...maybe it wouldn't have done if I'd...if I'd watched the video. All the way through. But I just...I think sex means something different to you than it does to me. And that...we didn't realise that. I...I should have done, I'm sorry."

Hugo pursed his lips a little, looking over at her past his empty bowls and her pile of nutribars. "That's.. that's kinda my point, really. It means something different, and will--no matter what--to me and you. I don't think I can have sex with other people and you would.. be okay with that. I said so little and you were so.. upset." He frowned more, playing down what happened. He brought his hand to his chest, fist balled. "And I... I.. It was.. It was terrible. I don't.. want it to happen again."

He looked away. "I know you.. won't want to be. And maybe you..you won't say it. But I know you will be, now. Hurt and.. upset." He dropped his spoon back into his bowl, and finally seemed to no longer have an appetite.

Silvia opened her mouth to deny it, say again she could try and change. And then she shut it again, looking down. She wanted to deny it...but she couldn't.

"I...I'm sorry," she said instead, horribly aware of how insubstantial it sounded. "I just...that...I guess that's how I am. I...sorry." There was another moment of awkward silence before she said softly, "So...what now?"

"I don't know." He opened a hatch on the counter and began sliding his dirty dishes down it. After the first few bowls, he looked up from the darkness of the cleaning shoot and shrugged. "Even if we.. ...broke up," The way he said the last two words was stilted, as if they were foreign or in some other way alien to him, "It's not like you would feel better. About it, or.. us. And it's not like you still wouldn't be hurt if I went off with someone else, then, too." His gaze fell back down at the counter, and he looked lost.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, at the mention of breaking up, Silvia winced, unable to stop herself. "I...I guess it would hurt," she said, reluctantly, realising how difficult this made things. "But...maybe not as much. Maybe if we did, I could...try and move on a bit. I...I don't know. I...I guess I have difficulty moving on from...relationships. You...probably noticed that," she added with a grimace.

It was Hugo's turn to wince at that, and he couldn't help but nod aggressively. He kept looking away, jaw clenching briefly. His body moved, leaning back a little, like he was going to talk, but he swallowed a few times before speaking.

"That's.. part of it. You.. talk about Ken'ichi like you're still in love with him." His voice was soft, and he seemed.. upset, just mentioning it.

Silvia flushed and, once again, averted her gaze. "I...I guess, in a way, part of me still is," she said, apologetically. "And...he was so much of a better guy than Carlos. Plus...I spent a lot of time thinking about him recently. You know, because...because he died." There was another twinge of pain at that, although relatively muted as far as this conversation went. "And he...he kind of reminds me of all the best of the Shi Yukiro. When...recently they've been...I haven't seen any of that. So he...I guess is still kind of...special to me. Sorry."

Hugo frowned a little and gave Silvia an annoyed look. He licked his lips before talking. "See, that's, that's so, so much worse than fucking someone else. Just.. having someone else there, in, inside. It.. it feels like.. a lie or something.. I.. I just..." He waved a hand, fingers carving shapes in the air. He shook his head. "Sex is just.. time and bodies. But, you, I mean, that, it's.. ..a lot more." His brow furrowed more as he looked down, and he looked.. oh, his cheeks were pink, and he seemed a bit ashamed.

Silvia shook her head, without even thinking about it, and then stopped herself as soon as she realised she was doing it. "But...with sex, it's something you're going out and...choosing to do," she tried. "You...you're actually, you know...consciously doing it. Whereas I just...I'm just...remembering. My thoughts just...go that way." She hesitated, again. "Sorry that...I don't know how...how much that's true. But...it feels different. To me. I...maybe it would be better if it wasn't, but...I guess I can't really change how I think now. Sorry."

"Don't.. don't keep saying sorry." He said with only the tiniest touch of bitterness. He seemed wounded when she had talked about how much she liked Ken'ichi, and even more now. He still couldn't meet her eyes. "And... ..It's hard.. for me.. to understand that. Hard to get why.. you, with the way you think, would want someone else, me. And.. hard to hear about him. And how he's.. ..better."

"I...Hugo, he...he is just...just a memory," Silvia said, a concerned look working its way across her features. "I mean...it's nice for me to remember him. To remember the guy he was. But...he's not...not now. I can't...I can't be...intimate with a memory. He is nice to remember, but...you need someone to...to respond to." She hesitated, trying to mentally compare that against what Hugo had done. "Whereas when...when you go and have sex, it's a lot...it's with someone who...someone who might actually...it's more like another actual relationship."

"And he's not better than you," she added, hastily. "I mean....he had good qualities, but...no guy I've ever met has been like you. You...you've done so much for me. So much more than anyone else." That last sentence was delivered quietly as she remembered some of what he had done. "I...I wouldn't blame you if you felt like you'd done all you could."