Week 39: Han in a van

Han sat in his van, parked in a back alley shaded by the buildings. Over his monitor in car, he watched the bar Min had retreated into moments before. His stomach growled angrily, and with a yawn Han reached into his glove box looking for some kind of food.

His search was succesful, and he found an old nutribar from months ago there, wolfing it down, never taking his eyes of the screen.

Darya felt strange, walking along the streets of Shanghai again. She had travelled these streets many times before, hunting for signs of cult activity, but this was the first time she had been back since leaving Oracle. There was a slight haze, common to areas owned by Ai Jinn, and she blessed her internal toxin filter.

She had been told to meet Han in the downtime area, but this was a fairly large area, and Han could be anywhere. She paused for a moment, noticing a nearby van parked in an alley, and activated her smeaker. "Han, it's me."

Han sighed and momentarily rested his head on the dashboard before replying. "Fine, get in the van. But do it stealthily, I don't wanna blow my hide spot." Han sighed with irritation. While Xu had said he was going to get Darya to talk to him, he hadn't expected him to follow through with it, or for Darya to agree to do it. He had been banking on their mutual distaste for each other to keep her from getting involved.

Darya turned down in the alley carefully, strolling up to Han's van and opening the door, sliding inside. She lowered her hood and looked at Han, taking note of how tired he seemed, before placing her hands on her lap. While it was clear from her tone that she was choosing her words carefully, she spoke calmly, quietly, and only made eye contact wh Han looked at her."Xu told me you have been having problems. What's been going on?"

Han sighed. "I just...theres someone I need to save, okay? And to do that, I need to find a group called Legacy. The woman I'm following right now? She's my only link to them. So I'm following her. I... I have to fix things."

Darya didn't say anything for a moment, before reaching out and placing a hand on Han's shoulder. Her voice was comforting, but she was speaking firmly and with authority.
"I understand. Trust me, I understand needing to save someone, not matter what the cost. But...trust me when I say that you have to take care of yourself as well. If you don't, how can you hope to save them?"

"Look, I...if I'm going into a fight, I'll make sure I'm on all cylinders. There I'm not just fighting for me but for everyone with me, I won't put others in danger because of I didn't go in at 100%. But... I realised something about myself recently...since joining Oracle, since suddenly being so rich and having everything I've ever wanted...I've gotten weak. Soft. My willpower, my restraint...they've been weakened by living too easy, no struggle in day to day life. I'm forgetting what it was to be hungry, to be physically weak, and it's changing me. I...I'm not sure I like what I'm changing into."

Han let out a deep sigh. "And I've gotten too reliant on cybernetics." There was a look of dawning comprehension on Han's face, as if these revelations were new to him as well. "Twice now, I've seen people, my friends, hamstrung by their cybernetics, using them as a catchall solution to every problem, and I'm the same. I've just been lucky so far. I...I think I need to experience weakness, being vulnerable again. Otherwise... I don't know what I am anymore."

His expression had turned to a sad confusion, a morose tone sinking deeply into his speech.

Darya kept her hand on Han's shoulder, her thoughts moving at high speed to find the right words. "What do you think you are becoming?" she asked, quietly. She didn't believe that this was the root of the problem. This was a justification, most likely, particularly since Han seemed to have had only just thought of the cybernetics issue himself, thrown up to distract from whatever was at the root of this. Reaching that root was going to be tricky, the excess brambles would have to be carefully moved aside to stop them collapsing in tighter.

And in one part of her, the part that made her leave Oracle, Darya told herself she had fucked up dealing with people enough times, and she wasn't going to make that mistake anymore.

"Someone...someone who forgets what I'm supposed to be fighting for, who I'm supposed to be fighting for. Someone who forgets that the world isn't all money and luxury, someone who forgets that anything outside of the mission is a distraction and nothing more." Han's hands gripped the steering wheel, turning white.

Darya pulled back her arm from Han's shoulder and twisted herself to get a proper look at him. "Han. That is not a good person to be. Things outside the mission aren't just a distraction, people outside of the one you want to save are not just distractions. more than one thing can be important at once, more than one thing will be important at once. This is simply the way the world is. If you throw yourself into the mission, cut out everything in your vision but that one thing, you cast people aside, you hurt people. And then, in a moment of clarity, you realise that you don't have anyone else but that person." Her voice had gotten slightly louder, though never breaking the volume of her normal spekaing voice, and she had a sad, melanchony look on her face. "Trust me. I'm not merely saying this. That was what happened to me at Lanzas. It is why I left."

She took a slight breath. "Han. I know you. I know that you will throw yourself into things with the force of a shotgun. If anyone will save her, it'll be you. But...in the process of that, don't mae yourself need saving. You are standing at the top of a dark slope, and you're edging your way down it. I don't want to see you disappear into the darkness."

Han gave Darya pleading look, genuinely distressed.

"I just...I don't know what I'm doing anymore... and it just seems like every day she gets further away, and I can't save her. So I start thinking that any moment I don't spend trying to find her... it's a moment I'm letting her stay captive, stay..." He trailed off.

Han's voice was raspy and slightly choking as he bit back tears"I can't keep failing her anymore...I just can't."

"Han...I'm not saying you can't try to save her. Just...be more careful. Of yourself. Of others. Don't hurt people because you're so focused on saving her." said Darya, gently patting his arm. "Now. I suggest you have something to eat. You look terrible."

Han sighed. "I...you're right. I guess Xu knew what he was doing when asked you to come and talk to me."

He reached into the back and felt under the seat for a box, which he retrieved. Opening it up he said "Join me for lunch? We have nutribars and... oooh, look, more nutribars!" A small grin went across his face, the first smile he had displayed since Darya got in the car.